Taking Back the Night

This evening I spoke at Emory University's Respect Program and the Alliance for Sexual Assault Prevention's Take Back the Night Speak Out Rally. Here is what I said:

I am Allegra Knight, a Masters student at Candler School of Theology and I am a survivor.

 

When I started my Master’s program at Candler School of Theology at the age of 38, I never imagined that I would end up a victim of sexual assault by a classmate. The term “victim” is usually frowned upon but I wear it with pride. I refuse to cower or feel shame and I encourage anyone who has been assaulted to follow my lead.

I was raised by a single mother who ingrained in me strength and independence. I went to all female schools (high school and college) where we were taught how to protect ourselves. But after my divorce, I was left broken and vulnerable and even with this proper training, I still ended up with a classmate—a friend—trying to rape me and stalking me.

For months I allowed an emotionally abusive relationship to continue which culminated in him attempting to force penetration against my will. Since he had previously ignored my requests to leave me alone, I figured out how to block him via phone, text message, and online media so that even if he tried he would be unable to contact me. Despite these steps, he came to my front door uninvited on a Saturday night at 11pm, which I responded to by calling the police, who advised me to file a restraining order against him in order to protect myself. The officer hit me hard with a case of “scared straight”. He explained that this was a man who does not understand “no” and this would not stop. I saw two paths in front of me: one where I stand up and protect myself or the other where I become a statistic on the news.

I had to navigate the complicated bureaucratic systems both at Candler and within Dekalb County. I had to talk about the intimate details of my sex life with Candler’s Dean of Students and the Registrar. I went through the court system and got a restraining order against my attacker. I could not have done this without the support of my friends. The experience left me wanting to crawl under my covers never to return. But somehow, when we are on the verge of giving up, Providence steps in and catches us before we fall. My friends were there to support me; they held me up when my legs failed. Reach out to your friends, they will still love you and support you.

The more I talked about my experience, the more I learned that I was not alone. And that is why we are here today with the intention of removing the stigma of being a victim. My friend Miranda (who has twice been a victim of date rape) was so inspirational; she told me that she feels called to tell her story, so that women realize that this is not our shame to bear but that this shame belongs to our attackers. I reiterate: this is his shame, not mine. I already knew that if I did nothing and he attacked another woman that would be on my head, but after talking with Miranda I realized that I must speak up publicly about what happened; I am called to be a role model for other women. I must speak up loudly and with strength. 

I stand tall… as a victim.

The Greatest Birthday Gift to Myself, Ever!

When I first started at Candler, I was barely able to make it from the parking lot to the classroom and only rarely had the strength to make it up the stairs to Cannon Chapel. On my 41st birthday I was able to make it from the 4th floor of the Theology building, down the stairs, through campus, all the way to Emory Village to pick up lunch... and back... in under 30 minutes! I could not ask for a better birthday gift to myself!!

I have come a long way since I first fell ill with Lyme disease: rebuilding my life from being bedridden and abandoned to a new life that includes graduate school and love. I worked very hard to get to this place and must continue in my vigilance. Through all the tears and pain, I persevered. I will continue to persevere with love, strength, and gratitude bolstering me.

A Zen Koan on non-attachment and thoughts [updated]

"If you own a teacup that is very precious to you, you have two choices: you can be obsessively careful with it, and live in fear that you'll drop it, or someone will chip it, or an earthquake will come and it will fall out of the cabinet. This object, intended to bring you pleasure, can become a burden.

Or, you can imagine that it is already broken -- because in an important sense, it is. It's sure to break someday, just as you're sure to die and the universe is sure to come to an end. Then, every time you drink from the cup will be a pleasure, a gift from the gods, a special reunion between you and something you had lost. You will be sure to appreciate every chance you have to use it, but having already said goodbye you will not need to use it with fear."


When I read this to Jeff, he went to the fatalist extreme, asserting that if this is the case, then why not commit suicide now, if all is already lost? Non-attachment is not about grieving over what is lost, it is about celebrating the joy when it is found. And knowing that moment will not last. Practitioners who have mastered mindfulness (of which I am not one) are so immersed in the moment that the moment prior and the one to come are not relevant. Whether the teacup exists in the next moment does not matter (or whether or not it existed in the moment previous) what matters is that in this moment the teacup exists and that is what is to be celebrated.

I used to hide $5 bills in my pockets. Obviously I knew I had done it. And the money was always mine. Yet imagine the joy I experienced upon reaching into my pocket and finding money!! While it seems a bit counter intuitive to use money as an example of non-attachment, to me that moment is what this koan is addressing.

Saying goodbye to Shamrock for the last time?

Shamrock at age 41

I have the world's best pony. No really, I do; it is an irrefutable statement. He is famous around these parts.

I got him when I was around 15 or 16 as my Children's Hunter/Jumper horse. He is of unknown age and unknown breeding at this point but along the way we set his age as equal to mine, which makes him 41 years old this year.

Ready for the Hunt! (at the age of 37)

Over the known span of his career, he has taught countless people to ride and was always the go-to horse to help build courage in a timid rider. After he was "retired", he continued to fox-chase until he pulled a suspensory tendon at the age of 38.

My ex-husband is in charge of his care. Ed called me two weeks ago and said I should probably come home and say my goodbyes. Shamu still looks amazing for his age! But I can see that he is feeling old for the first time.

He was also a naughty pony at times.

Just now, I laid down in the paddock with him and told him how much I love him and how grateful I am for all that he has done for me in our 25 years together. I told him that I no longer needed him to protect me and that his "little girl" has grown and will be ok. I gave him permission to not hang on any longer than he needs to.

Now Shamrock is a stubborn red-head, which means he may very well out-live us all. But for all those who love him, and they are too many to count, please keep him in your thoughts- pray for a painless transition when his time comes.

I am the luckiest little girl for having been blessed with such an amazing horse. He will always be in my heart and I will always carry his spirit in me.

Kicking Lyme's Butt and Taking Names

I can't believe how much stronger I've gotten. Last night while walking the dog, it occurred to me that until recently I was unable to to walk down to get the mail- I would have to drive the short distance. Now, I'm walking all over the neighborhood and am even able to do multiple laps!

Five years ago, I was barely able to get myself to the bathroom without assistance. Even as recently as last year, I would need a cane to walk some days. This year, I was able to complete TWO 5k Mud Runs (Dirty Girl Mud Run and Warrior Dash) both in under an hour!! I am in a state of disbelief that I am the same woman.

So many Lymies ask me how I was able to get here. In truth, I have no idea. I think a lot of it is stubbornness. I have also worked hard to assemble a great health support team- a Lyme literate doctor, acupuncturist, massage therapist, chiropractor/ naturopath, therapist, general practitioner, neural feedback- all of whom are willing to work with each other for my benefit. I also practice therapeutic yoga, Pilates, RedCord, ride horses, and have recently added in Kettlebells to my exercise routine. On days that I think I can't move, I know those are the days that I have to move.

When I was working on regaining my strength, I was introduced to a mutual friend who also suffered from Lyme but was able to return to running marathons. I was in awe. I had no idea how she was able to do it, but I figured that if she could do it, I could too!

If you are reading this and are a fellow Lymie, please know that there is hope, do not give up. If you are reading this because you have someone in your life who suffers from Lyme, please do not wave my story in their face, this does not help. We each recover at our own pace, in our own way. If you have recently experienced a set back, know that it is only temporary and we each will continue to fight- for that is our only option.

Some Thoughts on Memorial Day

We all love Memorial Day Weekend- I mean really, it is the unofficial start of summer. Most folks get a three-day weekend, if they have a job that is. And with all the fun, sun, blockbuster movies, and barbeques, we tend to forget the sacrifices of those who fought to give us the freedom that allows us to have such fun holiday weekends. 

While I do not support war in general, I am grateful for those that sacrifice for our country. We live in a country that can be truly frustrating at times, no matter which side of the aisle you sit. However, we have the privilege to reside in one of the few countries in the world that allows us the freedom and ability to voice a dissenting opinion. As Voltaire said, “I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”

Last week, a U.S. Sailor became the 3000^th death in the Afghanistan War, per CNN. That is an inauspicious honor. The thing that strikes me is we have now sacrificed 3000 of our honorable, brave men and women to get retaliation for the deaths of 2,977 of our citizens? Where is the logic in that? 

Fortezza, Umilitade, e Largo Core - Courage, Humility, and Largeness of Heart

I spent five years in a private girls boarding school whose motto is: Fortezza, Umilitade, e Largo Core - Courage, Humility, and Largeness of Heart. During my misspent youth, I did not embrace this idea fully but it planted itself deeply in me and began to germinate, waiting for the right moment to sprout.

I was at Oldfields School during my formative years (8- 12 grade.) I was not always happy there and for years after I did not look back at it fondly. As my 20 year reunion approaches and I am reconnecting with school mates (particularly via Facebook) my self-imposed wounds are healing. In their place I am finding gratitude. Though I resisted at the time, I was given so many wonderful tools, which I use so often now. The greatest of these is our school motto, which I endeavor to live up to everyday.

Thank you for all you have given me.