Fortezza, Umilitade, e Largo Core - Courage, Humility, and Largeness of Heart.

Monday, March 1, 2010

at least I'm writing, right?

Here it is, late at night, and I am beating myself up for not getting enough done this weekend. I really need to get out of my apartment if I want to get schoolwork done. Yet, in these moments great epiphanies can arrive.

I am practicing self-flagellation, which includes self-sabotage in the form of not going to bed at a reasonable hour thereby pissing even more time away that could be at least used to rest so that I can be productive tomorrow. I find myself wondering if I will ever figure out how to grow up, pondering about the nature of being a late bloomer and if this is necessarily a bad thing.

I might have also used this moment to see if an old crush was on fb. He is! Nothing like perspective to make you feel better about yourself! He lives on a boat and drinks beer (at least according to his self description.) Phew- I dodged a bullet. I might still be in school and immature (I prefer the term “childlike”) but at least I have made some type of progress in my life.

But let’s not start on “progress” (read: what the heck am I going to do 1. this summer and 2. upon graduation) as that leads me back to my downward spiral that prevents insight.

So begins my daily promise to myself: to attempt to create structure that supports me academically and emotionally. Wish me luck!

I can't help but wonder if my Dad is reading this, shaking his head. Most likely. Sorry, Dad. We can blame Mom. :)


  1. Your first four sentences strike SUCH a chord with me. (And the third paragraph would as well, except that I gave fb up for Lent --- in part because of the emotional procrastination that you describe).

    Let me know how your structure works!

  2. Diane-

    Thank you for your kind words. I admire your dedication for walking away from fb. I have considered it several times. I cave for two reasons: one, I'm addicted and addicts can't say no, and two, I consider it my safety net. (I live alone and don't keep a regular schedule but those that love me know that I am ok when they see me posting on fb and know they don't need to call 911 on my behalf.)

    If you ever want to study together, call me!
    <3 Allegra