at least I'm writing, right?

Here it is, late at night, and I am beating myself up for not getting enough done this weekend. I really need to get out of my apartment if I want to get schoolwork done. Yet, in these moments great epiphanies can arrive.

I am practicing self-flagellation, which includes self-sabotage in the form of not going to bed at a reasonable hour thereby pissing even more time away that could be at least used to rest so that I can be productive tomorrow. I find myself wondering if I will ever figure out how to grow up, pondering about the nature of being a late bloomer and if this is necessarily a bad thing.

I might have also used this moment to see if an old crush was on fb. He is! Nothing like perspective to make you feel better about yourself! He lives on a boat and drinks beer (at least according to his self description.) Phew- I dodged a bullet. I might still be in school and immature (I prefer the term “childlike”) but at least I have made some type of progress in my life.

But let’s not start on “progress” (read: what the heck am I going to do 1. this summer and 2. upon graduation) as that leads me back to my downward spiral that prevents insight.

So begins my daily promise to myself: to attempt to create structure that supports me academically and emotionally. Wish me luck!

I can't help but wonder if my Dad is reading this, shaking his head. Most likely. Sorry, Dad. We can blame Mom. :)

Study Hall

I had an epiphany this morning: I have never learned to study solo. Yes, I was an only child but I grew up in boarding school where we had mandatory study hall for everyone. And for those who put in a less than stellar effort or didn't turn in assignments (::: looks around... who me??:::) pretty much all free time was structured into a study hall format.

So here we are, 20 years later- yes, I am almost 40 years old and in graduate school but I realize: I work best when the social shame structure is put into place.

My Valentine's Day Plans

I feel like every Wednesday night I whine the same thing: let me just make it through tomorrow. This Sunday, by Grabthar's Hammer, I will have "a date" with my textbooks and I will write my papers. Yes, I have 1) dropped an awesome Galaxy Quest reference and 2) publicly announced I plan to spend Valentine's Day studying. My nerdom is securely established.