Taking Back the Night

This evening I spoke at Emory University's Respect Program and the Alliance for Sexual Assault Prevention's Take Back the Night Speak Out Rally. Here is what I said:

I am Allegra Knight, a Masters student at Candler School of Theology and I am a survivor.

 

When I started my Master’s program at Candler School of Theology at the age of 38, I never imagined that I would end up a victim of sexual assault by a classmate. The term “victim” is usually frowned upon but I wear it with pride. I refuse to cower or feel shame and I encourage anyone who has been assaulted to follow my lead.

I was raised by a single mother who ingrained in me strength and independence. I went to all female schools (high school and college) where we were taught how to protect ourselves. But after my divorce, I was left broken and vulnerable and even with this proper training, I still ended up with a classmate—a friend—trying to rape me and stalking me.

For months I allowed an emotionally abusive relationship to continue which culminated in him attempting to force penetration against my will. Since he had previously ignored my requests to leave me alone, I figured out how to block him via phone, text message, and online media so that even if he tried he would be unable to contact me. Despite these steps, he came to my front door uninvited on a Saturday night at 11pm, which I responded to by calling the police, who advised me to file a restraining order against him in order to protect myself. The officer hit me hard with a case of “scared straight”. He explained that this was a man who does not understand “no” and this would not stop. I saw two paths in front of me: one where I stand up and protect myself or the other where I become a statistic on the news.

I had to navigate the complicated bureaucratic systems both at Candler and within Dekalb County. I had to talk about the intimate details of my sex life with Candler’s Dean of Students and the Registrar. I went through the court system and got a restraining order against my attacker. I could not have done this without the support of my friends. The experience left me wanting to crawl under my covers never to return. But somehow, when we are on the verge of giving up, Providence steps in and catches us before we fall. My friends were there to support me; they held me up when my legs failed. Reach out to your friends, they will still love you and support you.

The more I talked about my experience, the more I learned that I was not alone. And that is why we are here today with the intention of removing the stigma of being a victim. My friend Miranda (who has twice been a victim of date rape) was so inspirational; she told me that she feels called to tell her story, so that women realize that this is not our shame to bear but that this shame belongs to our attackers. I reiterate: this is his shame, not mine. I already knew that if I did nothing and he attacked another woman that would be on my head, but after talking with Miranda I realized that I must speak up publicly about what happened; I am called to be a role model for other women. I must speak up loudly and with strength. 

I stand tall… as a victim.

The metaphor of the walking mandala

Today was the first beautiful weather day in what feels like forever. I moved to Atlanta with the hopes of escaping weather that increases my Lyme related pain but my hopes have been dashed this particular winter. As I try to not squander an opportunity, I chose to take some time for myself and walk the mandala behind my health practitioner’s office. It occurs to me that the process of walking a labyrinth is a great metaphor for life:

We go out to go in and in to go out, backwards to go forwards.
 We follow a path, walking on blue slate chips which can be warm in the sun or cool in the shade. If we choose to walk on them barefoot, they can be smooth and pleasing or jagged and even painful.
 Alternatively, we can protect ourselves (via shoes). You go all the way in to (pause and then) turn around and go out the very same way, yet the scenery looks quite different on the way out. Things change depending on your perspective: you might not see the dragonfly on the blue globe close up but it was so easy to spot from a distance.
 

We can take time to smell the sweet flowers. We can choose to follow etiquette but shouln't be afraid to break it either.
 Mindfulness of the moment, yet clarity of past and future.
 Remember to have joy in the moment- never take yourself too seriously. Stop and observe the flora & fauna, but be careful to not disturb them. It's the relation between stillness and movement.
 

“Labyrinths are one of the oldest transformational tools known to mankind. They have been used for centuries for prayer, ritual, initiation, and personal and spiritual growth. Unlike a maze, a labyrinth is unicursal- only one way to the center and back out again. Once you set your foot on the path, you are gently guided to the center of the labyrinth and yourself. There are no obstacles, no dead ends, and no tricks. So- with the labyrinth walker it is a meditative process- the mind can be stilled and attention paid to the body. It is a time of being rather than doing. Labyrinths also help us access our intuition and creativity, integrate body and spirit, listen to our heart, connect to the greater universal flow of energy, and deepen our spirituality.” (HealthSpring Holistic Center)

Pondering Hermeneutics and Dog Training

I am currently taking an anthropology class exploring world Christianities. We began the semester by examining the terms we will use throughout the semester: meaning, belief, faith. One article we read actually explored "the meaning of meaning". Is your head spinning yet? Mine certainly is.

Barron

 

I must confess that I am a terrible dog trainer. My dog is housebroken but that is about the limit of his training. As I was pondering this new hermeneutical lexicon while walking my dog Barron, it occurred to me that this might be why I fail at training my dog. Specifically: when I tell Barron "Up!" it could mean "go up the stairs", "jump into my lap", "stand up so I can reach your collar"... well, you get the idea. How is Barron to know the meaning of "Up."? How am I to know the meaning of "meaning"?

These are the things that an over-educated graduate student ponders...

Kicking Lyme's Butt and Taking Names

I can't believe how much stronger I've gotten. Last night while walking the dog, it occurred to me that until recently I was unable to to walk down to get the mail- I would have to drive the short distance. Now, I'm walking all over the neighborhood and am even able to do multiple laps!

Five years ago, I was barely able to get myself to the bathroom without assistance. Even as recently as last year, I would need a cane to walk some days. This year, I was able to complete TWO 5k Mud Runs (Dirty Girl Mud Run and Warrior Dash) both in under an hour!! I am in a state of disbelief that I am the same woman.

So many Lymies ask me how I was able to get here. In truth, I have no idea. I think a lot of it is stubbornness. I have also worked hard to assemble a great health support team- a Lyme literate doctor, acupuncturist, massage therapist, chiropractor/ naturopath, therapist, general practitioner, neural feedback- all of whom are willing to work with each other for my benefit. I also practice therapeutic yoga, Pilates, RedCord, ride horses, and have recently added in Kettlebells to my exercise routine. On days that I think I can't move, I know those are the days that I have to move.

When I was working on regaining my strength, I was introduced to a mutual friend who also suffered from Lyme but was able to return to running marathons. I was in awe. I had no idea how she was able to do it, but I figured that if she could do it, I could too!

If you are reading this and are a fellow Lymie, please know that there is hope, do not give up. If you are reading this because you have someone in your life who suffers from Lyme, please do not wave my story in their face, this does not help. We each recover at our own pace, in our own way. If you have recently experienced a set back, know that it is only temporary and we each will continue to fight- for that is our only option.